No one's ever here.

Sitting her in bed it feels strange to be drinking a jack and coke at 7 in the morning. Then again it feels like it's mid day for me thanks to my fucked up sleeping pattern so I really don't give a damn even if that is the bourbon talking.
It's interesting however that when drinking and semi tired I seem to end up being asked dating advice and actually giving out some decent stuff that probably belongs in some Miss Lonely Hearts column when I have a track record that looks like a train derailment in the relationship department. Still it's nice for a change to be helping someone who I consider one of my few remaining true old friends even if it does stir up old feelings I'd rather not feel again I'm just happy to help someone for a change.

Now I better finish my drink before it gets warm and slip into bed before Cass wakes up.

Why is it that old memories stir up unwanted emotions. They are not what I need now.

It's strange sitting here at my desk, I haven't done this for days and my screen looks massive compared to the netbook I've used for these past few days.
It's kind of nice to drop off and not pay attention to anything, not worry about my job situation, or what I really want to do with my life but as I listen to my music play I can't help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing with my life.
Cassie wants to travel to Japan and teach English there and I don't want to stop her but I love her too much to let her out of my life. I have no interest in Japan, what interests I had have vanished over the years replaced by failed attempts at writing a story that I'd want published. Now I simply want to own a bit of land in the country, build a small bar/pub type building, and earn my living behind the counter.
That is of course if I stay with Cassie, if not I'll probably be serving in the army doing the other job I've wanted to do for years now. Then if I survive that settle down with a little land and build my home.
Now I know why my mind tries to distract its self over and over again with images of airsoft games and the wasteland of the Fallout world. I need to stop staying up and thinking.

Welp seems I'm going to be laid off in a month. Fuck.

It feels damn good to slip into some CADPAT and kit up.

It just dawned on me I really am 20, god I can't believe I'll be 21 in less than 6 months.

So, what's to say. I live, I work, I sleep, I dream, and I wake once more to continue this cycle.

Cass and I have enjoyed a long year together. I still feel the same as the day we first started dating.

I'm going insane keeping secrets for someone else.

Claybank was epic.

He's been gone a year. I still miss him.
At least the pain has dulled since I have Cass now.

Funny thing, on the 15th Cass and myself reveled in the fact that we had spent 8 months together. My longest relationship, her happiest.

My life, it's not as interesting as many others I know.
It had it's high point a few years back and now it's just slowly coasting into adulthood and bills. Then I met Cass, it started out simply as me asking her out and turned into a whirlwind romance (cliche I know) that I honestly haven't had and was the one thing I never expected to have till I was in my late twenties if not ever.
The things we've been through me and her, I can't begin to tell them but the fact she stuck with me through every single one and I never let her go.

Still workin my job and hating it now, I want to be free and I wish I could live the way Cassie wants to. Able to drop it all once every few years and fall off the grid in another country.

I'm twenty, tired, and feel empty.

Two more days.

How long has it been since I sat down to write something that wasn't a random assortment of lines that made little to no sense unless you had a decent view into my life? Too damn long I think and I guess it's time to bring anyone who still reads this up to speed.

My new job is alright, I mean I like the pay, my co-workers, and the environment I work in but at the same time I just want out already. I want to work with books, want to place the books in a library back in their place, soak in the silence of minds at work and dreams slowly becoming realities, and most of all start to live my life the way I dream I could.
Silly isn't it? I'd give up a job that pays about $14 an hour ($15 on weekends) just to work with books.
I want to travel again, just walk a stretch of road and see where my feet take me, being cooped up in this city is driving me mad. I mean not a little over a year ago I was across the globe seeing the most wondrous sight a soul could witness, a crystal clear view of the stars and the Orion Arm of the Milkyway with just your eyes and nothing more.
Though the dumbest thing in the pile of things on my mind has to be the one I can without a doubt say with every fragment of my being, I want to marry Cass. Now before I get the usual, "You're too young to want to do that," or the, "You aren't ready for that," I want to clarify that I ABSOLUTELY love this girl without a shadow of a doubt and I know she feels the same about me but she feels I still need more experience in relationships and life (don't blame her for saying this, I don't have the best relationship track record). Still I'll do my best for her.
That should get some people up to speed, and surprise another.

For some reason I'm always tired, maybe that sleep pattern of mine.
I wish Cass would see how much I loved her and stop telling me to find someone better.
I wish I could fix her.

Wow apparently I have no privacy any more in this house and am now banned from basically doing anything in my room but sleeping. I love my dad so much.

I miss the days of sitting in a workshop chopping code from one thing and slipping it into another, the rush of testing the end product, the satisfaction when your fellow co-workers line up saying, "Me next me next, please upgrade this."
I miss those days stressed out and worried that my creations would fall into the wrong hands, I miss those days under pressure to work fast or the product will activate before I properly install it.

Sure they were hard days, long days, and most importantly rewarding days.
I miss working for the PN.

Somedays I swear I'm drowning in all the things that are happening.